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Encaustic Artist Residency: Day 2, Trust and Fear

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I am journaling a nine-day artist residency in Vancouver, Washington. Read the full series here.

Encaustic wax painting work in progress by artist Emily MillerDay 2: Experiments with embedding different leaves and seeds

Dec. 9

Long-term projects always seem to include a period of resistance as my mind wraps itself around something bigger than usual. Today felt slow. There were repeated flashes of self-doubt. What am I doing here? What’s the point? To me, growing up has been about learning how to handle the responsibility of making your own rules. It’s easier to let someone else set goals and pass judgment. It’s terrifying to know that ultimately we must rely on ourselves. What if I can’t –? What if I’m not –? Since graduating college and committing to art full-time, I’ve been plagued by intense moments of anxiety. This is a double cliché for the recent grad and the artist, but somehow it still took me by surprise. I have a plan, and a Plan B. I love making art. I trust I will find a way to afford my future. Somehow this isn’t enough.

My recent work has been about exploring the unknown with joy and fearlessness, a lesson obviously close to my heart. I identify as a planner and a perfectionist, which leaves less room for mystery and surprise in my life than I would like. My senior thesis project was a meticulously planned, laboriously executed installation dedicated to spontaneity and delight. (Sidenote: did anyone else pick up on that irony while I was working on the project? I am just now realizing it.) I enjoyed the process and the final project, but was I really saying that everyone else should be able to experience this childlike glee that took me so long to create?

This is why I think a willful medium like encaustic can be so important for me. Let go. It won’t be what you planned, but it will be beautiful. It will be right.

Encaustic wax painting work in progress by artist Emily MillerEncaustic wax painting work in progress by artist Emily Miller

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